It's got to be true

Alison told me that if I was getting so into the internet I didn't have to go and get a newspaper I could read it on the internet instead. So I went searching for the Daily Mail online yesterday and I came across these two blokes on Youtube instead. I've never seen identical twins look so alike. Very confusing, both of them being called Dan. I mean, do even they know which one's which? Talk about an identity crisis. Bloody cruel if you ask me. Their parents should have had more sense.  It's like those pillocks who call their kids after the whole Arsenal football team. There should be a law against it. Anyway, they seem to have turned out alright because they obviously like the Daily Mail as much as I do. So much so they made a song about it. And they're quite right: if you read it in the Mail it's got to be true. I should know: I've read it just about every day since about 1950. It's stopped me turning into a nutter. I don't know where I'd be without it. The funny farm probably.

I've got to say this kind of music is not usually my kind of thing. It's a bit like Simon and Garfunkle and all that pop stuff. If I want to go wild, I get out the Feetwarmers. But since they like the Daily Mail as much as I do, I'll make an exception.

Herbal Remedy

I've no time for all that alternative medicine stuff. Anyone who wants to stick pins in me or feel my chakras or whatever they do can bugger off. As for herbal remedies, the only herb I take regularly is Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. If this one doesn't cheer you up nothing will.

Maggie and Mantovani

I've been trying a bit of online shopping. I hate shops. I used to have to trail round them all day with the missus in the old days.

Why people want to trail around when they can get all the stuff they want on the internet I don't know. Some people my age think it's not for them but I say to them give it a go - it's easy once you've got the hang of it. I've just bought a lifesize cardboard cutout of Margaret Thatcher and if you squint at her you can almost believe it's really her! 30 quid on Amazon and cheap at the price. It's nice to have a friendly face around to talk to.

I've stuck her behind the bar in the living room for now. Last night I stuck my Mantovani CD on the player Alison gave me for Christmas and sat there with a stiff gin and told her what a mess young David was making of the country. He's too bloody soft but then what else do you expect from a man with a face like a baby's bum, I said? I could tell from the look in her eyes that she knew exactly what I meant. I don't think she'd ever worked behind a bar but her dad used to run a shop down the road in Grantham and I could tell she'd have made a bloody good job of it if she had. No going on bloody strike for her.

The Full English

You can't beat a good fry up for breakfast if you ask me. We used to go to B&Bs in the old days where they gave you a continental - instant coffee and a bloody dry roll. Up yours Delors as they used to say.

My daughter Alison says I've got to watch my cholesterol. I told her I don't give a toss because I'm 80 and I didn't get this far eating bloody museli.

I'm Not Dead Yet

The only way to survive old age I reckon is to stay young. For that reason I decided to start this blog. What's it going to be about? I don't know. I'm just going to make it up as I go along.

It was my daughter Alison's idea in a way. She said I ought to find something to do all day instead of watching TV. She's got a new computer and gave me her old laptop one. I can't say I find it very easy. I've not been on the internet before but you're never too old to start. I have used a typewriter so once I get here and can just type words it's quite easy so long as I can think of what to say.

So what's been going on? The Iron Lady's dead. They don't make them like her anymore. I remember when I was a boy listening to Winston Churchill on the wireless. She reminded me of "Winnie". She really used to tell it how it is. If it wasn't for her the unions would have ruined this country if you ask me. I know a lot of people didn't like her but where would we be now if it wasn't for her I'd like to know.

Just finished reading Belmarsh: Hell, the first volume of Jeffrey Archer's prison diaries. It's terrible what the poor man had to go through. I think it's terrible that Britain treats great men who do so much for their country like Archer like that. It's no wonder we're in the mess we're in. At least they gave Maggie the send-off she deserved.